Somatic Sex Therapy and Education is an experiential way to learn about sex and intimacy with the goal of having more ease, choice, freedom and fulfillment .
There are many people doing similar work using different names like: sexological bodyworker, tantra instructor, daka/dakini, sacred intimate, sexual surrogate or surrogate partner. What all of these practitioners have in common is that they work hands-on and experientially in the areas of sex of intimacy as opposed to just talking.
The Healing, Growth and blog pages give specifics on the sort of activities involved. But here I’ll speak more generally about the conceptual framework.
Therapy and Education
People get therapy and education for personal growth, mastering problems, and developing new skills so they can be better at something, for instance: playing tennis, acting or running a business.
Making an analogy to learning a a musical instrument is helpful. Anyone can step up to a piano and bang on the keys and make some noise. But playing music that is beautiful and moving takes learning and practice. The same applies to sex and intimacy. Sure, we’re all born with “sexual equipment” and raw biological urges, but beyond that, sex and intimacy is a learned skill. And too often, we carry the burden of trauma, dysfunctional beliefs and habits that need to be unlearned.
And to take the analogy one step further, no one would claim that you could learn the piano by talking about it, reading a book or watching a video. You actually have to practice. The same thing applies to sex, that’s the experiential part of this work.
What does Somatic mean?
Somatic means, broadly, the collection of all aspects of the lived human experience. This includes mind, body, spirit, emotions and relationship to self and others. All of these areas play important roles in sex and intimacy. There can be limiting factors in any of them which hold us back from fulfillment. And of course there is potential for growth in all of these areas as well. I work with them all. Here are some examples.
Body
What the body senses, how it moves, and how to use it is central to my work. Learning to immerse oneself in bodily sensations; building capacity for more pleasure; feeling and moving sexual energy; learning sexual techniques; knowing your sexual anatomy; increasing the strength and suppleness of sexual muscles; dealing with pain and physical trauma; and, breathing more expansively, all of these things can be improved with instruction and practice.
Emotions
Sex and intimacy evokes the entire range of human emotions yet only a few emotions are officially allowed – joy, excitement, passion and desire for example. But what about grief, anger, confusion, anxiety and shame? These are also part of the emotional landscape of sex and intimacy. In my work I teach emotional fluidity and acceptance. I hold an unwavering compassionate space for any emotion to be present. I also teach clients how to manage powerful overwhelming emotions, usually these are the result of unresolved trauma, by staying connected to the body without moving into fight/flight or freeze modes.
Mind
Mind is the realm of language and imagination that makes up our beliefs, expectations and values. It’s shaped by past experience, trauma, media, cultural messages and education. It colours and shapes our current experience. Much of its content is unconscious and flawed. For example a potent belief fostered by a long legacy of religious oppression is that a women’s sexuality is evil. A woman must be either a virgin or a virtuous mother (Mary was both!), or she’s a whore. Fulfilling sex and intimacy within this belief system is impossible. There are many other pernicious beliefs that women commonly carry, especially in regards to their body image. Much of my work is to help women become conscious of their limiting patterns of thought, and create new ones that offer the potential for freedom and fulfillment.
Relationship
In this realm we look at things like: how to build a foundation of trust and safety; personal autonomy and boundaries; how to give and receive enthusiastic consent; and how to communicate desires. We could also be exploring different forms of relationship like: intentional celibacy, monogamy, polyamory or partnered non-monogamy.
Spirit
For me spirit is something very grounded and real. We’re talking about foundational qualities that are required for true intimacy. We can start with acceptance and compassion of ourselves and others, and move from there to loving kindness. Spirit also involves cultivating the skill of mindfulness – to be able to clearly witness one’s own experience with equanimity and curiosity instead of criticism. We can add to this a healthy dose of courage, because loving someone deeply comes with pain and loss built right in. And finally, a sense of humour, because sex, especially when trying new things, is awkward and often doesn’t go as planned.
Not surprisingly, the strengths you develop through somatic sex and intimacy coaching are valuable in all areas of your life. Sex is the Creative Force moving through us after all. When that’s working well, it supports whatever generative things we’re doing with our lives.
Spirit for me is also very much all of those sacred things that transcend us as individuals. For example: God, your Higher Power, saints, deities, ancestors, spirit guides, Bodhisattvas, elemental energies or anything else you personally honour that gives your life meaning and guidance. I welcome all expressions of spirit into our work together. And I certainly will not impose any of my own spiritual beliefs on you.